I am not an expert in any specific area, nor due I claim to have the answers to any of life’s big questions. But I do know that there is something more, some bigger meaning that I am meant for. The Problem is I have no idea what it is, or even where to start for that matter. The possibilities are truly endless, which is both empowering and terrifying.
My history….I have graduated in the field of social sciences from both University and College. And spent most of my pre-child existence working the front lines of child protection. Then I had children…and everything for me changed. We decided that I simply could not go back. Childcare alone would cost more then my after tax income; and now 8 years later here I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I adore my husband, and I live for my kids (now 9 and 7). But it is not always candy corn and applesauce. There are the dark days too…and it is in those dark days that I find I question myself the most. Am I doing enough, am I trying hard enough, am I teaching my kids what they need to know to be happy, are we really happy? You know all the self doubt questions that don’t really have any answers.
For the most part I am the happy smiley face in the crowd, I am the organizer, I am the problem solver, and often times I will put the needs of others ahead of myself. I love being in charge, but hate confrontation. I am secure in my person, but question my abilities…I am also the one who has a really hard time listing all the good things about me. I am just your average run of the mill housewife who lacks most forms of domestic skill. As I said I truly enjoy our family, the time I can spend with them, and the opportunities that comes with being at home.
Like a penny, there are always two sides. I am very lucky to have the ability to be at home, be there for my family as needed. It is really easy to get lost in the needs of everyone else, the down side is that you completely forget about yourself. As a result, somewhere along the way, I have lost my sense of self. More importantly I lost sight of ME, and who I am, my goals, my wants, and my dreams.
As I attempt to find myself, and decide “what it is that I want to be when I grow up”, I have rediscovered a love for giving back, and the need for volunteerism within the my local community. I have become heavily involved with several organizations, and sit on a few local Not-for-Profit Board of Directors, including acting as the current President of the area Big Brothers/Big Sisters Agency. I am slowly feeling more and more in my own skin as I take on leadership roles, discover new skills, and gain new strengths. Although I still have little direction and clarity to where this path of self growth will take me, at least I am starting to feel that I have a foot on the path, and am moving forwards. We are all great motivators of others, we can spot others in need a mile away, we can give the best advice, it’s easy to fix everyone else. It is so much harder to turn inwards, and do the same for yourself. At least that’s how it feels to me.